[TANGO-L] Married Couples in the Milongas

[Deby Novitz <dnovitz@LAVIDACONDEBY.COM>]

I would like to add another perspective to this topic that is a little
bit outside the world of tango.  It speaks more to the culture in
Argentina as a whole rather than just looking at one slice of the life
here, which is tango.

I live here in Buenos Aires.  I have been a permanent resident for more
than a year.  I can assure you that living here is significantly
different than visiting here or even staying here for a length of time.
I know, because I used to come here so much before I moved here, that
people thought I lived here.  One of the things that surprised me was
how the relationships between men and women actually worked.  I don't
want to go into detail here but let it suffice to say , that there have
been many surprises.

When I lived in Belgrano I knew most of the shopkeepers by name.  Every
day when I would walk by either alone or with my dog, the men would call
out to me.  I would also greet them.  Sometimes I would stop to chat
before walking on.  Imagine my shock the first time I walked down the
street with the man I was dating at the time and not one man would greet
me or talk to me.  They would look at me, look at him, and turn away.
Even the young man in the hardware store whose dog played with mine
turned away.

It was explained to me that this was out of respect to my friend.  If
you want to dig deeper, some say that this is because there is an
unspoken belief that women and children are property.  It would not have
been polite for these men to address me when I was with another man.  I
have had this happen to me in other circumstances.  Here, very few men
have women friends, and very few women have men friends.  (The operative
word being friend.)  While many times one needs a score card to figure
out who is having affairs with who; on the surface there is
possesiveness and jealousy, and a conduct code that went out with B-Hive
hairdos. (Except they don't open doors for us here...)

What does this have to do with tango?  If you understand the culture,
you understand some of the codigos in the milonga.  When a man enters
with a woman, and they sit together at a table, everyone assumes they
are together.  No one will invite that woman to dance.  It is being
respectful.  If the man roams the room looking for other women, more
often than not, people are confused by this behavior.  Does this mean he
can dance and she cannot?  Others see it as disrespect to her.  Rather
than create a "situation" most will ignore the couple and assume they
are together.

While this might not present as much of a problem in the tourist
milongas such as Niqo Bien, Porteqo y Bailarin, it will hold true in the
traditional milongas where the better dancers are.  One of the men I
dance with is a professional dancer.  When he started to show up at the
milongas I go to and would plunk himself down at my table, the men
stopped inviting me to dance.  Even when he wasn't there they stopped
inviting me.  Everyone assumed we were a couple.  (God forbid..) One man
told me he didn't want Roberto to be angry with him because he was
dancing with me.  It took me two weeks to convince people that I was
still single and I had no boyfriend.  Many times just the fact that a
woman is married, will keep some men from inviting her.(Yeah Yeah, well
how do think I feel?  I am from California!)

There are other sitiuations as well.  There are men who dance Sun - Fri
and wear no wedding band.  Then on Saturday they show up with a wedding
band and their seqora.  Even if they had a wedding band on during the
week, they will not acknowledge you when they are with their wife.  They
see right through you.  You do not exist.  The only exception is if the
wife knows you.  The you may approach to say hello.  I know one married
couple who come to the milongas together.  I met them about 5 years
ago.  They are delightful.  She allows her husband to dance with me.
Yes, allows is the word.  He even comes to my table and says to me that
his Seqora says that he may invite me to dance.  I always look to her
for confirmation.  She never dances with other men.

Keeping all this in mind, if you are married and you come to Buenos
Aries and you want to dance with other people, here are my suggestions:
Enter the milonga separate and sit separately.  Lots of married couples
do this in BA, even if they eventually dance together.  Sit in a group.
But don't sit with another couple, that is just as bad.  Sometimes I
have groups of 5 people with me. 2 men and 3 women. If they are 2
couples, I have them sit random so we look more like a group of
friends.  I try to introduce them around.  Try to meet people so you can
sit with them.  Classes which were mentioned here are good way.  Many of
the teachers take their classes to a milonga afterwards where they all
sit together.

Yes, I suppose you can do as people on this list have recommended
"ignore the codigos", but why would you want to do that?  You are coming
here to experience the richness of this culture.  Why would you want to
thumb your nose at it?  This is something  I will never understand.  You
are in another country, continent, culture. Enjoy it, but dont try to
make it where you came from, because it is not.  It is disrespectful
whether you agree with it or not.